So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
