I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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