dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
