OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
