I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
