How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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