i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
