remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
