plz talk dirty to me
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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