I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
FUCK WHALES
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