i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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