i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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