Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
