So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
