and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
