That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just had sex on a roof
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize