Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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