I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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