A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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