he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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