just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
