i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
