My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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