Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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