Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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