I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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