Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
