im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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