you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
