My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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