New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
