It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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