Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
