fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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