my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize