I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The air taste purple.
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