They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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