Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pants are for mortals
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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