My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
