I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
