My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
