seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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