After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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