Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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