apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
