happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
