Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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