She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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