My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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