Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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