Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
