I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
