OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
