I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
3pm strippers are depressing
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
