If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
