from now on my penis is your penis
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
