She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
