I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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