So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
