Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
