I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
