The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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