You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
