CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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