I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
