the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
