You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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